If you are coming from Building Heavenly Bridges (BHB), WELCOME and if you are finding me for the first time and looking for support after a loss, then please check me out at my grief/loss blog!

This blog is a series of anecdotes from our life after losing our first child, a stillborn daughter, then going on to birth the two other lights of our lives!

Bear is 6: serious, organized, my cruise director and my time keeper.

The Comedian is 4: She is pure comedy always doing something unintentionaly funny that I attempt to put into words.

Enjoy our stories, conversations, and delights as we embrace the lives of our second and third daughters without ever negating our first.

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...
"I Wish Emma Was Alive Because I Would Tell Her Where The Bathroom Is"

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Technical Break

"Will we have to leave your computer at the doctor?" Comedian asked me yesterday.

We did.

It lives at St.ap.les for a few days...

I hi-jacked my husbands to get this out...but no good birthday pics till next week! Sorry!

The tech mentioned something in passing like, 'possible hard drive failure'. Pray that he's wrong!!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

On the Eve of a Birthday

Comedian turns five tomorrow. It astounds me and not just in that 'how can you be so old already - where has the time gone' kind of way that people regularly lament on.

Oh, I feel that too. But, mostly I'm struck by how I don't have babies anymore. Eleven days from now, Bear turns 7. My answer for, "How old are they?" will become, "Five and Seven".

They were my rainbow babies. They were my tangible parallel to Emma's non-existance. Cognitively I knew that they were individuals, but really - what do babies do? Their actions and sounds as infants, toddlers and beyond were all things Emma would have done: eat, sleep, cry, sit, crawl, walk, sign, talk...etc.

Watching them follow the prescribed pattern of development settled a parallel existance for their sister in some way. I knew there was a time delay, but the invisiblity of the ties made it easy to forget.

But now, they are entering a new phase of their lives. They are beginning the 'school years'. Otherwise known as the years when their actions are designed by their choices, and subsequently, the natural consequences they will face equally decided by the choices they made.

This is where Bear's and Comedian's paths diverge, not just from each other, but from Emma's too. No longer can I endulge in parallel visualization. Emma's nine year old self would be exploring her identity, defining her world one day, one decision at a time.

Comedian has been having what we fondly call a 'mini mid-life crisis' the last few weeks. She is unable to do anything for herself anymore that she had previously mastered: dressing, teeth brushing, putting on coats, boots, opening doors. You name it, she seems temporarily unable to complete the task. She is literally butting heads with the idea of turning five.

I am a modern kids like structure kind of mother. I am a set-the-expectation, then follow through kind of mother. I am a give two positive choices then wait kind of mother. And so, I stand, face firm and words firmer, "You can do it at school. You can do it at home. I'll wait" then turn my back and listen to the tantrum that ensues when the truth is I kind of want to do the same thing.

I'd love to throw myself down on the floor, beat my fists and feet while screaming No! Don't grow up. I'm not ready for the next phase either!"

Alas, numbers do not lie. One thousand eight hundred and twenty five days have elapsed since the day my last baby was born.

She is five tomorow. She will bust through the wall of indifference about growing up. I will let her and follow. I have no choice.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Daily Picture Post - #9 - The Girl With The Broken Shoe

Ya see, sometimes being the receiver of hand-me-downs just doesn't make any sense.

You would think that having an older sister born in the same season would make everything hand-me-downable, but no-where in this home do we seem to have a size 12 shoe to fit Ms. Comedian's foot.

The only thing I can think is that a big growing bear of 5 years old skipped the 12's and went directly to 13's -- for I have plenty of those!

And so, we had a phenomenon round these parts on Wednesday that doesn't happen very often! We bought something brand-spankin' NEW for Comedian!

Here is the old shoe - size 11. Literally with the stuffing falling out of it! (And, in a shockingly un-mother-of-the-year move I made her wear them like this for nearly two whole weeks and I conducted a very throrough 'we must have a size 12 here somewhere' search!)

And here she is, bemusedly, disposing of said shoe.

And, ta-da-de-da...here are the sparkly, never had another's foot in them shoes she now wears EVERYWHERE!!

Have a great day!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Daily Picture Post #7

What happens after an afternoon of errands and fun with mommy!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Daily Picture Post #? - Whoa Baby!

As you all know - Comedian has my love-of-baby gene.

This is one of my fav pics after Christmas. We are heading to church. It took longer to get 'the baby' (Elizabeth) ready then herself.

Guess what's in the bag?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Daily Picture Post #5

If ever there was a fairy godmother -- that is our Auntie E, featured in the previous picture. Technically, she's Comedian's Godmother but since Bear's proved herself defunct in the early years, she's taken over for her too.

Now, she loves these girls like her very own and showers them with affection.

Today's pictures is one of my summer favs....

Ah, the short sleeves, the short skirts -- means it was WARM! And, for some reason I can't resist a kodak moment of my three lovies from the back.

Till tomorrow...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Picture only post #4

This one's for a special lady...who always gets the best pics with my girls!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Daily Picture Post - Belated

See? I knew that would happen. Yeah, so my body decided to play host to another virus for couple days but still.

Anyway, I guess that last pic wasn't such a gimme. It was the moment the guitars were unveiled at Christmas and their amazement at actually receiving them!

Me: musing at the computer. "What picture should I use today?"

Comedian: "Use Emma! Use Emma!"

Me: "Oh, Emma isn't on this site. This is about you and Bear."

Comedian: "Oooooo, can I pick?

And so, today's picture is chosen by your very own soon-to-be-five -year-old Comedian.
I think, at most, you can give it a subtitle...that should be fun.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Daily Picture Post - #3

Don't have time for the whole story -- with backstory -- but the mini version is:
  • my father has played the guitar for most of his life

  • I refused to learn from him as a youngster -- mostly because I was a pesky 'say no to whatever you want' kid.
  • He and my mom got the girls guitars for Christmas.
  • The image is of his first formal guitar lesson with Bear.
  • Because she is too young to know the 'defiance' drill with Nana and Papa -- she is loving them!

Hence, warming my heart and making me wish that I had made a few different choices many years ago.

Today's pic should be a gimme....

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Daily Picture Post - #2

Well, yesterday's kick off to this 'user friendly' way of posting was fun.

Thanks Kristin for playing along. Your idea made me laugh -- especially since it was WAY more interesting and drama filled than the real deal.

The dress was from a semi-formal in college at my then boyfriend's fraternity. I'll see if I can dig out a pic of ME in the dress.

Today's picture really tests my ability to NOT narrate. For me, it's poetry in motion. You?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

There's Always A Way

Ever since I started blogging, a year and change ago, I have walked, talked, and thought like one.

And, although my computer time hasn't allowed me much antic retelling, Comedian thigh-slapping, or Bear tales lately, I realllllly want to keep this up.

So, while I nod before the reality: There is only so much time in a working day and, Cara, no matter how much you slice it you don't have enough to post like you used to... I am of the "there's more than one way to skin a cat" mentality.

I am also of the 'even though it often stresses me out more than I was before multitasking at least three things at once is how I roll' generation.

Hence, it would seem possible to 1) start the coffemaker, 2)set out breakfast and 3) oh - say, upload a picture with a question, but without a wordy story or description to a blog.

Now I know that best laid plans often fall to the wayside, but still - worth a shot, yes?

And, what better day to start than a - Sunday! I can see this being a character building lesson for me as well for, short on words, is a phrase people have rarely, if ever, used to describe me.

Forcing myself to put the image, and not my interpretation of it, out there will be good.

Who knows, perhaps your interpretation will be right on, or make me laugh, or cry.

Why not start right now? I am a fancy dress. When did I enter Cara's life and why?