The first day of school is never easy. Transitioning is always hard.
Today was really hard. Bear struggled immensly with her emotions, riding the rollercoaster of tears, frustration, anger, fear, worry, anticipation, hope, and who knows what other anxiety based emotions.
Tomorrow is her first day of first grade.
As I watched her, trying my best to stay buckled in the same seat she was as she hit the peaks and valleys of her emotionally charged day, I broke inside.
I saw my little girl fighting to regain some sense of control as her world spun out of control. I saw her clothes get folded, then re-folded, and strictly organized in drawers. I saw shoes come flying at my head matched only by the murderous look in her eyes. I saw her cower in the backseat of the car, not wanting to be there but not wanting to get out either.
Quite simply, I saw myself.
I saw the person I become when grief overwhelms. I know those feelings of despair partnered with the need to compartentalize my life. I know far too well how it is to want and not want something equally at the same time. And so my heart breaks a little more each time it happens to her.
GAD - General Anxiety Disorder, that's what they call it. "Basically", one psycologist told me, "life just stresses her out, at times more than others."
Yeah. No kidding. Poor kid.
We have had a relatively good summer with regard to her stress triggers. We have introduced a few new techniques and strategies she can choose to use when she feels her body starting to get out of control. Today, nothing worked.
I am starting my new job tomorrow so I can't be there for her first day. Daddy will walk her to school and pick her up. That will be enough, I tell myself knowing he is a calming force for her, but oh how I wish I could be there too.
Her backpack is ready. Her lunch is packed. Her outift is picked out.
"Mommy" she whispered to me at bedtime, "I'm sorry I was so not controlled today. I'm just so scared to go. I'm just so nervous."
She finally said it outloud. For that I did a happy dance, right there in her bedroom and the corners of her tired mouth reluctantly started to turn.
"I know" I whispered back, "We both start new things tomorrow. I'm nervous too."
And as she closed her eyes we hugged. I pray her dreams will be peaceful ones.
WELCOME TO MY "OTHER" BLOG!
If you are coming from Building Heavenly Bridges (BHB), WELCOME and if you are finding me for the first time and looking for support after a loss, then please check me out at my grief/loss blog!
This blog is a series of anecdotes from our life after losing our first child, a stillborn daughter, then going on to birth the two other lights of our lives!
Bear is 6: serious, organized, my cruise director and my time keeper.
The Comedian is 4: She is pure comedy always doing something unintentionaly funny that I attempt to put into words.
Enjoy our stories, conversations, and delights as we embrace the lives of our second and third daughters without ever negating our first.
This blog is a series of anecdotes from our life after losing our first child, a stillborn daughter, then going on to birth the two other lights of our lives!
Bear is 6: serious, organized, my cruise director and my time keeper.
The Comedian is 4: She is pure comedy always doing something unintentionaly funny that I attempt to put into words.
Enjoy our stories, conversations, and delights as we embrace the lives of our second and third daughters without ever negating our first.
Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...
"I Wish Emma Was Alive Because I Would Tell Her Where The Bathroom Is"
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5 comments:
You are such a good mommy. It is huge that she was able to tell you how she is feeling. I hope you both have completely awesome days tomorrow.
Have a good time in the first grade, Bear.
Your daughters are very sensitive, and I love how mature Bear is and how in-touch she is with herself.
I hope your first day at your new job goes on well.
Much love to both the girls.
And thank you for the lovely comment you left on my Exhale poem. Thank You!
hope you both have great first days!
Hard stuff, but you did great. I think it's so helpful to let children know that grownups feel fear and anxiety too. That we are not these infallible big people. Big hugs to you and Bear.
She is pretty expressive for a girl her age. I hope her first day was not as scary as she imagined.
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