If you are coming from Building Heavenly Bridges (BHB), WELCOME and if you are finding me for the first time and looking for support after a loss, then please check me out at my grief/loss blog!

This blog is a series of anecdotes from our life after losing our first child, a stillborn daughter, then going on to birth the two other lights of our lives!

Bear is 6: serious, organized, my cruise director and my time keeper.

The Comedian is 4: She is pure comedy always doing something unintentionaly funny that I attempt to put into words.

Enjoy our stories, conversations, and delights as we embrace the lives of our second and third daughters without ever negating our first.

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...
"I Wish Emma Was Alive Because I Would Tell Her Where The Bathroom Is"

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Freuidan Slip

I say all the time how Emma is part of this household. There is no place in this home that she isn't, for me - anyway.

The girls absorb this, without question -but speak of it rarely. They mostly speak of Emma's death, the reality of her absence. But I have learned that just because something isn't spoken has no bearing on it's ability to delve deep inside you and live there, popping out at the most unexpected time.

This morning we had a perfect playdate - of which my definition is both parents and kids get along really well. I'm sure you know the other kind of playdate, where you really want to hang out with the mom, but for some reason known only to the compatibility gods your kids just do not click and you spend more time negotiating conflict than enjoying each other's company!

Anyway- this match works - on all levels - and it found us in The Comedian's bedroom with three girls hudled around a candyland board. There was the expected chatter about colors and spaces, and reminders of whose turn it was, and then - Bear spoke to our guest, looked directly in her eyes as she said:

"Emma - it's your turn."

My breath hitched, then I caught the other mother's eye for a shared smile. But the girls - went on, unphased, potentially unaware of the monniker slip and the moment of sheer joy it brought to my heart.

I closed my eyes to the blond hair of this child, for surely I would never have produced a child so fair - and enjoyed the vision of three girls, varied heights, playing a board game. The simplicity of this basic act both embraced and enraged my heart. How could small moments like this been stolen from us? How blessed I am to be able to see - and enjoy them - as they become possible, if only for a moment.

Clearly, there will be more questions coming soon, from both Bear and I.

I hope I'm ready.

I hope you're ready.


Kristin said...

I am continually amazed at the grace with which you negotiate the road you are traveling.

Martha said...

Whew, Wow, powerful stuff.
She is with you, all of us, most especially her sisters, closest of all.

WiseGuy said...

Oh....Bear will surely ask (she is the curious one). Emma, you are.


The Mom said...

What a touching story. It is so hard to see those moments that *should* have been.


MrsSpock said...

It reminds me of my cousins' children who will occasionally slip and call someone Grandma J- my grandmother who dies several years before they were born, but who is often on our minds and on our lips. With us always, eh?

Jill said...

Most people would have been completely knocked down by that situation. I'm glad you took a minute to enjoy it.


Mr. Shelby said...

What a great post to share. Thank you. Very touching.

Mr. Shelby (from iclw)

Hope Endures said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Your post brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful moment - thank you for sharing. (ICLW)

Heather said...

What a moving moment. I am continually humbled as I watch friends navigating parenting after loss, particularly the sibling relationships. Thank you for sharing this.

Beautiful Mess said...

When I grow up, I want to be as graceful as you! I bet Bear will have the questions and you will have the answers. There is NO doubt in my mind, you will handle it with grace and amazingness (a new word, I made up just for YOU)