If you are coming from Building Heavenly Bridges (BHB), WELCOME and if you are finding me for the first time and looking for support after a loss, then please check me out at my grief/loss blog!

This blog is a series of anecdotes from our life after losing our first child, a stillborn daughter, then going on to birth the two other lights of our lives!

Bear is 6: serious, organized, my cruise director and my time keeper.

The Comedian is 4: She is pure comedy always doing something unintentionaly funny that I attempt to put into words.

Enjoy our stories, conversations, and delights as we embrace the lives of our second and third daughters without ever negating our first.

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...
"I Wish Emma Was Alive Because I Would Tell Her Where The Bathroom Is"

Monday, March 30, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


My kids are desensatized to death.

I know this. They will soften to the idea once they reach the crucial years of reasoning and the ability to grasp abstract thinking. I mean, 'heaven' isn't such an easy place to rationalize.

They shrugged their shoulders when Tigger ran away. (presumed dead)

They had a few questions, then an "ok - that's too bad" when Ginger dissapeared forever.

And why would they think to cry and despair about a dead cat, requesting a burial in the backyard and to put special toys in the box? They speak with equal candor about Emma. THIS POST the most recent example of how The Comedian minces no words - or concepts.

Our remaining cat, sweet Sally, is pregnant. We have no idea when she's going to deliver the babies. (any of you know the gestation period for a cat??)
So... we sit around the dining room table and vote on the size of the litter. I say 4, hubby 6, the kids agree on 5. Then the question that struck me silent, "Mom, will all the kittens be alive or will some die?"

"Uh............................................" was the best I could manage for a good 30 seconds. Then I decided on the truth. It was something like this, "I hope they will all be alive, but I have known of kittens that died."

Their response? (In a very business-like tone) "Well, if they do die at least they will have Emma to play with them."

A smile was the best I could manage. My kids are ten times wiser then I ever will be.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

/i/ before /e/ except after...


I have a bone to pick with the current educational system because it seems that Kindergarten is the new First grade!

Let me just say before I delve into a rant that as a certified teacher of the Deaf and a trained Reading Recovery teacher I do understand a few things.
  • I get that our over all nationwide scores - sucked. I do. And - that something needs to be done.

  • I understand that teachers are pressured to "teach to the test" - as it were.

  • I even comprehend that Boldpre-schools are trying to fill the gap and become the "new" Kindergarten. (For the record, I acknowledge...but don't like it one bit! Pre-school should be a play-based exploration of the world and how to socially interact with other children who also want that toy just because Johnny picked it up one whole second ago - but that is another rant entirely)

But, humor me the sarcasm when I ask you, have our children mentally developed any faster? Have all the preservatives, hormones, and stimulants in the food that is so readily available to us created six year old brains in five year old bodies?

Then why - pray tell - are we asking them to do this kind of work at younger and younger ages. Why are they doing, *ack - I can barely type the word as a daughter of two life long whole-language teachers* phonics workbooks and ...(brace yourself) SPELLING TESTS before the Easter holiday? Feast your eyes on exhibit a - b- and c, but you'll have to squint because I REALLY need a new camera.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get behind it. For a child that struggles with perfection and the need to be first, at all times, this finish-this-book-and-I'll-throw-another-at-you approach is just not effective. It doesn't encourage her to slow down and check her work. It doesn't allow her to *woah* make mistakes by listening to sound and, say, spelling 'sky' - 'sci'. And, seriously if I have to read one more variation of "Is the cat in the pan? No! - Is the pig in the wig? Yes!" with a fake sense of enthusiasm, I think I'll commit myself.

Don't get me wrong, Bear L.O.V.E.S it. In fact, the cloze exercises affirm her so much that she is the only child in her class to have moved into a blue book. Great. Fab. Wonderful. WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????

I know I can only fight one world awareness battle at a time, and I am also well aware that changing the educational system so that each child gets instruction playing to their learning strenths and not their weaknesses is a pipe dream of the grandest proportion, but a girl can dream, can't she?

This one obviously does. In fact, last night I dreamt of a pin sitting on a fin. - aaaarrrrrggghhhh
(Blogger is being a major pain in the you-know-what and won't do my spacing right - sorry for the tough read!)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Show and Tell - Is It Easy Being Green??

The Comedian has been up to her typical tricks and hysterically funny behavior since I returned home! There has been a lot of theological speak,

" *Sigh*" (as she pushes her wild and crazy hair out of her face for the tenth time) "God gave me a lot of hair."

And, in desperation to play outside on a warm Spring day she scoffs, "Why did God make Spring late ths year? I need to 'have a chat' with him." (that is my we-need-to-talk-about-something-important language coming back at me - ha!)

But before I left, there was an atypically quiet moment from my chatty girl. I went looking for her and found this.

I ran for the camera, snapped the picture - then asked, "Comedian, whatcha reading about." Her response?

I bust up laughing, imagining all kids of witty subtext. "HOW many plastic bags to grown ups use a day?" just the first to pop into my mind. I mean, the possiblities are endless were I to ask you to label the picture!

But then, I stopped and really looked at her face. That glazed, exasperated, uncomprehensive look is exactly how we are all feeling right now about this country, right? The economy, the environment, the reality that people are still harming others with intention.

But more than anything, I wish that could be our face for our missing kids. I want to carbon copy that face and hand it out to newly bereaved parents to put on whenever someone says one of those overly insensitive things they always say, Oh - you're young, you'll have another ~ Oh, better that happened now and you didn't really know your baby ~ Oh that was God's way of protecting you from a lifetime of heartache.

And, seeing that my Comedian has a self-proclaimed direct line to the big man in the sky, I pray that in years to come she forgeos words, instead using that classic expression to defend a sister's existance she never met - to a peer that doesn't get it.

Go ahead - try it on - it feels kinda good.

What is the rest of the class Show and Telling?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Butterfly and The Rock-Stones

No - No, this isn't a catchy new title for, yet another blog. But, it wouldn't make a bad monniker for a classic rock band, would it?

No. It really is a simple case of this girl,

Reading this book,

And saying, "But we love Emma - but she died - but she died to the rocks and the bush and the stones."

This parenting after loss thing is complicated. But for now, Ms. Comedian - yes - Our Emma lives in the rocks, and the stones, and the bush. And - of course - in our hearts.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I Miss My Monkeys!

I really do. I know they are well taken care of - (Go Super-Rockin' Daddy!) - but I can't keep my mind from wanderding to what I would be doing if I was home at this time. (finishing carpool - by the way)
Ok - I'm off to register for the conference!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Q and A with The Comedian

Father's Q: "Hey Girl! Did you just climb out of the gutter?"
Comedian's A: (in all seriousness) "NO! I came from the living room!"
(FYI- She had just woken from a nap)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Show and Tell - Sisterhood

Ah - sisterhood. The word resonates with me for so many reasons.

I don't have a sister.
I wasn't in a Sorority, therefore - never part of a sisterhood.
Definately was never in the in-crowd, leading to cliques of sisters.

But - here...in this land of strong women and missing children I have found my sisterhood!

Many thanks to Martha for this award. The price of induction was high, but I truly am grateful to have all of you in my life.

So here are the rules: Put the logo on your blog and/or post.

Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

This is hard, as we all - even when in our greif trenches...have a great attitude!

Thank you:

LisaDG of Hot Mama Bear's ... - Who introduced me to this world. It was her words and leadership that led me to my blog. She has suffered, but remains hopeful. Go hope with her.

Ezra's Mommy - Who has recently taken some sharp turns in her grief leading her to a place of tentative hope.

Antigone - Who took the fact that life as she knew it would never be what she planned, and has made the most sweet tasting lemonade out of the most bitter lemons I've ever seen.

Kathy of Three of a Kind... - Who, together with her husband and son, memorialized Ms. Molly with such tenderness as they enter a new pregnancy with high hopes!

Dora of ISO, the Golden Egg - Who is just...Dora. Always there with the right words, the right actions and the most affirming friendship actions ever!

Monica of Knocked Up, Knocked Down - Always, always - regardless of the subject matter has something uplifting or funny to say.

CLC of Please Give Me Back My Heart - Who is anxiously awaiting the birth of her Rainbow Baby in four short weeks. Click over and give an encouraging word!

Amy of Where to Go From Here ... - Who is one of my biggest cheerleaders from afar! She even picks up the phone an calls to make sure I remember which sisterhood I belong to!

No Swimmers - Who is currently vacationing in Mechico 9 weeks pregnant! Go have a swim!

What are you Showing and Telling?