If you are coming from Building Heavenly Bridges (BHB), WELCOME and if you are finding me for the first time and looking for support after a loss, then please check me out at my grief/loss blog!

This blog is a series of anecdotes from our life after losing our first child, a stillborn daughter, then going on to birth the two other lights of our lives!

Bear is 6: serious, organized, my cruise director and my time keeper.

The Comedian is 4: She is pure comedy always doing something unintentionaly funny that I attempt to put into words.

Enjoy our stories, conversations, and delights as we embrace the lives of our second and third daughters without ever negating our first.

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...

Children's Widsom - Quote of the week...
"I Wish Emma Was Alive Because I Would Tell Her Where The Bathroom Is"

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I Got The Call

All parents have something about parenting that scares them half to death. For some it is physical: car seat safety or abduction. For others it is social emotional, wanting to create the perfect environment so their child grows up health, happy and ready to assimilate into the social structure of our wacky world.

For me - it's medical. Regardless of my forehood label: "I parent after a loss" (I swear it sometimes feel like I wear one) - I think this would have been my fear. Add in a fair amount of medical intervention / action with my rainbow baby in her first few years of life and my fear of the medical (read: her dying too) is fairly consistent.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not an overeactor! I'm not - I swear. I have worked very hard to show calm with body and my words so as not to induce her anxiety to kick in any worse that typically does. "Oooooh - You got a scrape. Eh- not a biggie...let's clean it off."

And- just to show that I play fair with this approach. I can even meet some "owies" with humor. I mean, I did run for the camera as I was waiting for our neighbor to come help me pull apart the freakishly hard slats The Comedian got her hand stuck in. "Smile" I said as her hand swelled. (fun fact: coconut wood is HARD AND HEAVY!)

But - the fact is if Oh God - what happened? runs through your mind every time the phone rings then eventually, you are bound to get "the call". Mine came this morning as I was finishing my Turbo Jam workout.
Ringing phone...
Oh God

Check the caller id...register shows from the friend's house
Oh Holy God

Breathing heavily I answered, "Hello?"

She had been sledding. It was an accident. Her cheek met a shovel.

Her panic attack didn't happen until the doc tried to numb the area. Her whole body shook even as he stitched, regardless of the fact that she couldn't feel a thing. As I held her shaking hand, my calm (for I had done very well!) started to fade. It began from the inside out. I felt sick to my stomach as she screamed for me. I was a foot away from her face, talking - singing, but completely unable to help her.

My mind travelled. She was one. The birthday party was a great success, I thought as I packed our bag for the hospital. The next day I watched through the narrow window as her dad held her. She screamed hysterically as they lowered the mask to her face. I am supposed to be in there. I am supposed to be comforting my child. Oh God - why is this happening? Why can't I help her? And then - she went limp, a rag doll of a body in her father's arms. The surgery took hours, and I held that baby as she came back to life - a myrid of emotions consuming me.

The miracle is that at 6 years old, today was our first blood emergency, first stiches. I'm not sure either of us could have handled it sooner. I am quite proud of both of us.

"I think every girl who was so very brave for her stiches totally deserves a special treat, don't you?" I said. And she grinned, as well as half a numb face would allow, as we both bit into our BIG peanut butter cup.


Martha said...

Very brave girls, both of you ladies. Poor babies, ((Hugs))

Barbara said...


Very brave of you both.


Kristin said...

Medical issues are hard. I use to be a paramedic and it still is hard for me. This incident with Gabe was the worst I ever had to deal with.

Dora said...

OUCH!! Both of you. Poor little pumpkin. Chocolate is good medicine.

CappyPrincess said...

It's always hard to watch your own child in pain/bleeding/scared. Doesn't seem to matter how old either of you are at the time. But it sounds like you both survived and heck, what better excuse for a peanut butter cup?


Elana Kahn said...

Definitely brave. Mmmmm peanut butter cup...almost (not quite) makes it worth the stitches. Give her an extra squeeze from me! ICLW

Liv said...

Oh, poor thing! Those sad eyes say it all.

I have a similar photo my mother took of me when I got hit with a baseball to my mouth. At least it's funny now!!!

Hope she gets better soon.


Seriously? - Erin said...

You were very brave! I am totally panicked about a lot of things about parenting. I am an EMT and deal with emergencies pretty often but when it is someone I love it is hard and scary.

Hope she is feeling better soon and there are no scars!

Katie said...

awwwwwwwwwwww look at those tears in those beautiful round eyes! I'm glad she's okay. Y'all are very brave. Give her kisses from all your blog friends ;)

Michelle said...

Aww poor girl! I know that must have been so hard for you! I agree both of you are very brave and I hope she feels better soon!

MrsSpock said...

Yes, a BIG peanut butter cup was in order.