Why?

"Why do babies die?"


I have asked myself that question a thousand - hundred - a million times. Well, if I'm being honest, in the beginning it was, "Why did my baby die?" Only recently have I been able to open my broken heart to the world and broaden the query to a woe-is-us level.

"Why do babies die?"


But this post isn't about me. It is about Bear. For this was the question she asked on the way home from a dentist appointment yesterday.


Our conversation was so surreal. The words fell from my mouth without outward emotion. Keep it simple. Keep it short. Be honest. Be age-appropriate. The sun shining pleasantly through the window seemed misplaced, as though speaking candidly and honestly about her dead sister required weather more timid, maybe stormy. Inside I was grieving the moment, the conversation for its enevitibility.

I planned for this day. I knew it would come. How could it not? Children grow and within them, their minds evolve, creating connections, asking questions. Yes, I knew there would come a day when her curiosity about the pie-in-the-sky notion I had attested to all these years of a sister she'd never met living in heaven would clash with her cognitive ability to comprehend.

I had scripts ready; non-cliche responses in my arsenol so I may be honest in an age-appropriate way while letting her lead.


It all when out the window. When push came to shove, read: she fired direct, hard to answer questions, I did the best I could -taking long pauses to make sure every word counted. It went something like this:


Bear: Why do babies die?


Me: Honestly Sweets - I don't know.


Bear: But Emma died. Why did Emma die?


Me: Something happened inside my body and it made her body not work.


Bear: But I can't see her. Why can't I see her? I saw her one time in my bed, remember? So why can't I see her again?


Me: Yes. I remember. You might or you might just feel her from now on. That's what I do. I feel her.


Bear: You held her?


Me: Yes


Bear: But that doesn't make any sense. You said she died inside you. How did she come out of you then go back in?


Me: She didn't Bear. Emma died inside me. Then - I pushed her out. Then - I held her. She was still dead. Her body still didn't work.


Bear: (accepting this) Well, where did you put her? Did you leave her there?


Me: No Sweets. We buried her, in the earth -under the stone that we go visit all the time.


Bear: (becoming agitated) -Mom, you aren't making any sense! How could you put her in the earth when there was a stone in the way??


Me: (making the obvious clarifiying statement...then met with silence for a minute I continued) I can tell you are thinking alot about Emma today. Is there anything else you really want to know about Emma right now?


Bear: Mom, remember when I painted my nails using colors in a pattern: pink, purple, pink, purple?



And that was that. She was off to another topic that held her fasicnation equally, if not requiring the same mental energy.


It begins. She is putting pieces together. She wants answers. I don't have them.


My questioning circle is large, nearly oval after all these years of going round and round always returning to the question of orgin: why?


Hers is tiny: just beginning, but expanding ever so slightly each time she grapples with the abstract notion of an 'older' sister that looks very much like a baby - forever.


Today our circles connected, and overlapped - like a venn diagram of grief inqusistion. We have a long way to go. There are many more conversations to be had, with deeper, harder-to-answer-questions.


Someday - far from now, our circles will eclipse. She will be grown up. She will want the whole story - bar-none.


Someday I will tell her...someday.

Show and Tell - Is It Easy Being Green??

The Comedian has been up to her typical tricks and hysterically funny behavior since I returned home! There has been a lot of theological speak,


" *Sigh*" (as she pushes her wild and crazy hair out of her face for the tenth time) "God gave me a lot of hair."


And, in desperation to play outside on a warm Spring day she scoffs, "Why did God make Spring late ths year? I need to 'have a chat' with him." (that is my we-need-to-talk-about-something-important language coming back at me - ha!)

But before I left, there was an atypically quiet moment from my chatty girl. I went looking for her and found this.

I ran for the camera, snapped the picture - then asked, "Comedian, whatcha reading about." Her response?

I bust up laughing, imagining all kids of witty subtext. "HOW many plastic bags to grown ups use a day?" just the first to pop into my mind. I mean, the possiblities are endless were I to ask you to label the picture!

But then, I stopped and really looked at her face. That glazed, exasperated, uncomprehensive look is exactly how we are all feeling right now about this country, right? The economy, the environment, the reality that people are still harming others with intention.

But more than anything, I wish that could be our face for our missing kids. I want to carbon copy that face and hand it out to newly bereaved parents to put on whenever someone says one of those overly insensitive things they always say, Oh - you're young, you'll have another ~ Oh, better that happened now and you didn't really know your baby ~ Oh that was God's way of protecting you from a lifetime of heartache.

And, seeing that my Comedian has a self-proclaimed direct line to the big man in the sky, I pray that in years to come she forgeos words, instead using that classic expression to defend a sister's existance she never met - to a peer that doesn't get it.

Go ahead - try it on - it feels kinda good.

What is the rest of the class Show and Telling?

The Butterfly and The Rock-Stones

No - No, this isn't a catchy new title for, yet another blog. But, it wouldn't make a bad monniker for a classic rock band, would it?

No. It really is a simple case of this girl,

Reading this book,

And saying, "But we love Emma - but she died - but she died to the rocks and the bush and the stones."

This parenting after loss thing is complicated. But for now, Ms. Comedian - yes - Our Emma lives in the rocks, and the stones, and the bush. And - of course - in our hearts.

Show and Tell - Sisterhood

Ah - sisterhood. The word resonates with me for so many reasons.

I don't have a sister.
I wasn't in a Sorority, therefore - never part of a sisterhood.
Definately was never in the in-crowd, leading to cliques of sisters.

But - here...in this land of strong women and missing children I have found my sisterhood!

Many thanks to Martha for this award. The price of induction was high, but I truly am grateful to have all of you in my life.


So here are the rules: Put the logo on your blog and/or post.

Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

This is hard, as we all - even when in our greif trenches...have a great attitude!

Thank you:

LisaDG of Hot Mama Bear's ... - Who introduced me to this world. It was her words and leadership that led me to my blog. She has suffered, but remains hopeful. Go hope with her.

Ezra's Mommy - Who has recently taken some sharp turns in her grief leading her to a place of tentative hope.

Antigone - Who took the fact that life as she knew it would never be what she planned, and has made the most sweet tasting lemonade out of the most bitter lemons I've ever seen.

Kathy of Three of a Kind... - Who, together with her husband and son, memorialized Ms. Molly with such tenderness as they enter a new pregnancy with high hopes!

Dora of ISO, the Golden Egg - Who is just...Dora. Always there with the right words, the right actions and the most affirming friendship actions ever!

Monica of Knocked Up, Knocked Down - Always, always - regardless of the subject matter has something uplifting or funny to say.

CLC of Please Give Me Back My Heart - Who is anxiously awaiting the birth of her Rainbow Baby in four short weeks. Click over and give an encouraging word!

Amy of Where to Go From Here ... - Who is one of my biggest cheerleaders from afar! She even picks up the phone an calls to make sure I remember which sisterhood I belong to!

No Swimmers - Who is currently vacationing in Mechico 9 weeks pregnant! Go have a swim!

What are you Showing and Telling?