Freuidan Slip

I say all the time how Emma is part of this household. There is no place in this home that she isn't, for me - anyway.

The girls absorb this, without question -but speak of it rarely. They mostly speak of Emma's death, the reality of her absence. But I have learned that just because something isn't spoken has no bearing on it's ability to delve deep inside you and live there, popping out at the most unexpected time.

This morning we had a perfect playdate - of which my definition is both parents and kids get along really well. I'm sure you know the other kind of playdate, where you really want to hang out with the mom, but for some reason known only to the compatibility gods your kids just do not click and you spend more time negotiating conflict than enjoying each other's company!

Anyway- this match works - on all levels - and it found us in The Comedian's bedroom with three girls hudled around a candyland board. There was the expected chatter about colors and spaces, and reminders of whose turn it was, and then - Bear spoke to our guest, looked directly in her eyes as she said:

"Emma - it's your turn."

My breath hitched, then I caught the other mother's eye for a shared smile. But the girls - went on, unphased, potentially unaware of the monniker slip and the moment of sheer joy it brought to my heart.

I closed my eyes to the blond hair of this child, for surely I would never have produced a child so fair - and enjoyed the vision of three girls, varied heights, playing a board game. The simplicity of this basic act both embraced and enraged my heart. How could small moments like this been stolen from us? How blessed I am to be able to see - and enjoy them - as they become possible, if only for a moment.

Clearly, there will be more questions coming soon, from both Bear and I.

I hope I'm ready.

I hope you're ready.