Technical Break

"Will we have to leave your computer at the doctor?" Comedian asked me yesterday.

We did.

It lives at St.ap.les for a few days...

I hi-jacked my husbands to get this out...but no good birthday pics till next week! Sorry!

The tech mentioned something in passing like, 'possible hard drive failure'. Pray that he's wrong!!!

On the Eve of a Birthday

Comedian turns five tomorrow. It astounds me and not just in that 'how can you be so old already - where has the time gone' kind of way that people regularly lament on.

Oh, I feel that too. But, mostly I'm struck by how I don't have babies anymore. Eleven days from now, Bear turns 7. My answer for, "How old are they?" will become, "Five and Seven".

They were my rainbow babies. They were my tangible parallel to Emma's non-existance. Cognitively I knew that they were individuals, but really - what do babies do? Their actions and sounds as infants, toddlers and beyond were all things Emma would have done: eat, sleep, cry, sit, crawl, walk, sign, talk...etc.

Watching them follow the prescribed pattern of development settled a parallel existance for their sister in some way. I knew there was a time delay, but the invisiblity of the ties made it easy to forget.

But now, they are entering a new phase of their lives. They are beginning the 'school years'. Otherwise known as the years when their actions are designed by their choices, and subsequently, the natural consequences they will face equally decided by the choices they made.

This is where Bear's and Comedian's paths diverge, not just from each other, but from Emma's too. No longer can I endulge in parallel visualization. Emma's nine year old self would be exploring her identity, defining her world one day, one decision at a time.

Comedian has been having what we fondly call a 'mini mid-life crisis' the last few weeks. She is unable to do anything for herself anymore that she had previously mastered: dressing, teeth brushing, putting on coats, boots, opening doors. You name it, she seems temporarily unable to complete the task. She is literally butting heads with the idea of turning five.

I am a modern kids like structure kind of mother. I am a set-the-expectation, then follow through kind of mother. I am a give two positive choices then wait kind of mother. And so, I stand, face firm and words firmer, "You can do it at school. You can do it at home. I'll wait" then turn my back and listen to the tantrum that ensues when the truth is I kind of want to do the same thing.

I'd love to throw myself down on the floor, beat my fists and feet while screaming No! Don't grow up. I'm not ready for the next phase either!"

Alas, numbers do not lie. One thousand eight hundred and twenty five days have elapsed since the day my last baby was born.

She is five tomorow. She will bust through the wall of indifference about growing up. I will let her and follow. I have no choice.

Daily Picture Post - #9 - The Girl With The Broken Shoe

Ya see, sometimes being the receiver of hand-me-downs just doesn't make any sense.

You would think that having an older sister born in the same season would make everything hand-me-downable, but no-where in this home do we seem to have a size 12 shoe to fit Ms. Comedian's foot.

The only thing I can think is that a big growing bear of 5 years old skipped the 12's and went directly to 13's -- for I have plenty of those!

And so, we had a phenomenon round these parts on Wednesday that doesn't happen very often! We bought something brand-spankin' NEW for Comedian!

Here is the old shoe - size 11. Literally with the stuffing falling out of it! (And, in a shockingly un-mother-of-the-year move I made her wear them like this for nearly two whole weeks and I conducted a very throrough 'we must have a size 12 here somewhere' search!)

And here she is, bemusedly, disposing of said shoe.

And, ta-da-de-da...here are the sparkly, never had another's foot in them shoes she now wears EVERYWHERE!!

Have a great day!

Daily Picture Post #7

What happens after an afternoon of errands and fun with mommy!

Daily Picture Post #? - Whoa Baby!

As you all know - Comedian has my love-of-baby gene.



This is one of my fav pics after Christmas. We are heading to church. It took longer to get 'the baby' (Elizabeth) ready then herself.

Guess what's in the bag?

Daily Picture Post #5

If ever there was a fairy godmother -- that is our Auntie E, featured in the previous picture. Technically, she's Comedian's Godmother but since Bear's proved herself defunct in the early years, she's taken over for her too.

Now, she loves these girls like her very own and showers them with affection.

Today's pictures is one of my summer favs....

Ah, the short sleeves, the short skirts -- means it was WARM! And, for some reason I can't resist a kodak moment of my three lovies from the back.

Till tomorrow...

Picture only post #4

This one's for a special lady...who always gets the best pics with my girls!

Daily Picture Post - Belated

See? I knew that would happen. Yeah, so my body decided to play host to another virus for couple days but still.

Anyway, I guess that last pic wasn't such a gimme. It was the moment the guitars were unveiled at Christmas and their amazement at actually receiving them!

Me: musing at the computer. "What picture should I use today?"

Comedian: "Use Emma! Use Emma!"

Me: "Oh, Emma isn't on this site. This is about you and Bear."

Comedian: "Oooooo, can I pick?

And so, today's picture is chosen by your very own soon-to-be-five -year-old Comedian.

I think, at most, you can give it a subtitle...that should be fun.

Daily Picture Post - #3

Don't have time for the whole story -- with backstory -- but the mini version is:

• my father has played the guitar for most of his life


• I refused to learn from him as a youngster -- mostly because I was a pesky 'say no to whatever you want' kid.
• He and my mom got the girls guitars for Christmas.
• The image is of his first formal guitar lesson with Bear.
• Because she is too young to know the 'defiance' drill with Nana and Papa -- she is loving them!

Hence, warming my heart and making me wish that I had made a few different choices many years ago.

Today's pic should be a gimme....

Daily Picture Post - #2

Well, yesterday's kick off to this 'user friendly' way of posting was fun.

Thanks Kristin for playing along. Your idea made me laugh -- especially since it was WAY more interesting and drama filled than the real deal.

The dress was from a semi-formal in college at my then boyfriend's fraternity. I'll see if I can dig out a pic of ME in the dress.

Today's picture really tests my ability to NOT narrate. For me, it's poetry in motion. You?

There's Always A Way

Ever since I started blogging, a year and change ago, I have walked, talked, and thought like one.

And, although my computer time hasn't allowed me much antic retelling, Comedian thigh-slapping, or Bear tales lately, I realllllly want to keep this up.

So, while I nod before the reality: There is only so much time in a working day and, Cara, no matter how much you slice it you don't have enough to post like you used to... I am of the "there's more than one way to skin a cat" mentality.

I am also of the 'even though it often stresses me out more than I was before multitasking at least three things at once is how I roll' generation.

Hence, it would seem possible to 1) start the coffemaker, 2)set out breakfast and 3) oh - say, upload a picture with a question, but without a wordy story or description to a blog.

Now I know that best laid plans often fall to the wayside, but still - worth a shot, yes?

And, what better day to start than a - Sunday! I can see this being a character building lesson for me as well for, short on words, is a phrase people have rarely, if ever, used to describe me.

Forcing myself to put the image, and not my interpretation of it, out there will be good.

Who knows, perhaps your interpretation will be right on, or make me laugh, or cry.

Why not start right now? I am a fancy dress. When did I enter Cara's life and why?

Show and Tell : An Artist's Way

Per my recent post, it is no secret that my Comedian is the talker. (and the singer too -- if you haven't listened to her I love my whole family song, it's worth two minutes!) She processes Emma's existence, lack of physical being, and place in this family in a stream-of-consciousness way that can only be described as adorably bittersweet.

Bear, on the other hand, speaks rather infrequently, but poignantly, about her sister. She is the more capable of the two with regard to abstract thought making our conversations shorter and more to the point.

When you ask her how many kids are in our family her answer is an immediate, "three", her voice clearly conveying this is our normal, why should it be odd that we can't see her?

Just yesterday, when the difficult to latch front door swung open on its own, Bear slid past me to shut it. "Oh, Emma's here" she said, as normally as if she was noting the arrival of the mail.

I smiled. She gets it. It warms my heart.

The normalization of this within our home and how she takes it into the real world, however, is becoming a bit tricky. I always knew the two would eventually intersect, but thought of it continually as a futuristic challenge. A, 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there' kind of issue.

Well, we are there. I opened her Friday folder on the last day of school before vacation and found this.


Predictably, I burst into tears, savoring the moment and the message. My nearly 7 year old girl embracing her heavenly sister and the choices we make as parents in one card. With tears still in my eyes I turned to my husband and said, "Sometimes, it all makes sense. It is all worth it."

And then, I wondered how this card had been received by her teachers, by her classmates (if they saw it), what possessed her to do it in the first place, if there had been a residual conversation about it, or not.

True to form, Bear did not expand on her school experience. I simply told her how much this meant to me and asked if I could put it in her sister's scrapbook.

Her bright smile was answer enough.

My three girls are all alive in spirit, shining brightly this holiday season. The joy I have found in that is overwhelmingly beautiful.

I hope that you have shared a similar moment this holiday. Have you? In addition to seeing what everyone else is showing and telling, will you share your moment?

xoxo - Cara

Show and Tell: The Resolution of Uncertainty (living children pictured)

Although Bear is clearly the mirror image of me, Comedian carries my love-of-everything-baby gene. She even insisted in taking her to the resturant on Thanksgiving!



I carried a baby doll everywhere with me for the first decade of my life. And not just any baby doll, THAT baby doll she's holding! Elizabeth has been re-introduced to the next generation of the family and she isn't too much worse for the storage wear!



Hence, my mild shock last July when Comedian first met her newest cousin at the hospital and recoiled a bit.


But, after his tiny-babyness had worn off and he became even the slightest bit interactive she began to dote on him. That's my girl. I always knew you would!



This Monday he came to stay with us for a couple hours. He is four months old. She was so at ease with him, he may easily have been baby-doll Elizabeth.

And he, equally loved in the arms of his cousin! Making memories with him is so much fun! What is the rest of the class showing and telling?

Show and Tell - "The I Love My Whole Family Song"

I haven't been in class for a while. Extracurriculars have been keeping me pretty busy! But, I'm back and so very glad to be.

Comedian has entered a contemplative phase with regards to Emma and her place in our family. I remember Bear doing it too, but being so concrete, it was a quick phase with brief questions and seemingly satisfactory answers.

Comedian is less inclined to move on. She talks about Emma alot, a-l.o.t! But instead of asking lots of clarifying questions (like Bear did) she seems to be sure of her facts and just likes saying them over and over.

For example: "Bear is my sister. I am Bear's sister too. We are a family. Emma is a sister too. We have three kids. But Bear is here and I am here and Emma is not. Mom, remember when Emma died in your belly? She almost came out but she died. Then Bear came in your belly and she didn't die. Then I came out of your belly and I didn't die either. So, Bear's here, and I'm here, and Emma is fake."

Hmmm. Ok. I was with her until the 'fake' part. But I get it. I can see why she would use that word. I mean, all she has to go on are a couple of pictures of a baby on the wall, a few toys we say were Emma's and a trillion stories told over and over by us, her mother and father. She has no memories of visiting her in the hosptial or watching my belly grow and feeling her sister kick. She inherited the loss, gained an invisible sister - if you will.

So, we keep talking. And will keep talking. And most of those conversations seem to happen in the car on the way to school. And, more often than not, she breaks into song. And, because I have a new camera I am now able to keep my old camera in the car. So, I was able to quick grab it and hit 'record' on the video feature and get one of those conversations / (prompted segways) into song, just for your benefit.

WARNING: Don't actually watch the video, unless looking at an over exposed, jostling tissue box is your idea of good media.

I suggest closing your eyes and just listening to my sweet girl work through it, yet again. It wasn't nearly the first time and won't be the last.

And that is how it ends, every time, a tender, contemplative moment let go with a, "Hey mommy, did you know?..."

Did you sigh? Admit it, her little voice touches, yes? Oh, and don't forget to see what everyone else is showing and telling!

Re-Entry

Wow - this blog has been neglected. My children, you will be glad to know, have not. I have updated the pictures on the sidebar to represent the season change, and will have to do so again soon when the (whisper it) white stuff arrives, and plan to post a comeback show and tell tomorrow that is sure to melt any heart!

Since I have last posted they have grown so much. Yes, in a month they have not only become taller, but also more grown up indicating that their birthdays are really just around the corner and I can't deny it one more minute.

Soon, very soon, I will have a five and seven year old. whew. That just doesn't seem possible.

And not just because time flies and we all can't seem to figure out where the years went. But, because I truly can't remember a great deal of their littleness. I know. It sounds odd. No, it sounds terrible, but it's true.

The long and short of it is this. I lost a baby. I broke. A few years later I had another one and she lived. I had proved to myself that I could make, grow, and deliver a healthy child - and then what? I did it again, just to be sure.

And during that time, the trying, then growing, then being amazed she was here, was chaos - both in my world and within my soul. I had no idea how to reconcile the emotion and grief that was still churning within me with the screaming, struggling to latch-on-baby, gifted to me.

I had only thought as far as that first cry, the measuring of the cord, the lightness of a baby holding some of her own weight in my arms. The rest was a mystery.

I think I'm finally getting it now, how to live with Emma's spirit and live moments with my walking, talking kids. The integration has happened and it is lovely, inspiring more than one contented, if not a little bitersweet smile from me daily. Yet with it has come a new grief. A wave of guilt that I did know how to 'just be' with my babies when they were little. That the 'they might still die any minute' fear led my life instead of allowing joy to overwhelm me.

I missed it. It didn't just go too fast, I truly missed parts of their infancy. I never stopped. It's true you can stay busy enough that you don't have time to fall apart. I wish I had. Our time together would have been better for it.

I know what I must do. I know I have to sit with these reality of memories, forgive myself, and let it go.

I know, but it's not easy.

The upside? They don't remember any of this. It is my internal dragon to slay.

Onguard dragon.

Well, till tomorrow then and be sure to come back -- for my show and tell is a perfect example of how the memory of my first and the realness of my others co-exist now.

Oh - and part of it is video...

A Bear's Revenge

She sat in the back seat, face contorted with a mixture of frustration and anger. Her hands were balled into fists and even through the angled, reflection of the kiddie-spy mirror mini-vans are readily equip with, I could see her muscles flexing.

She was mad because the bank teller forgot to give, and conversely, I forgot to ask for the super cheezy, but expected sticker typically doled out with a trip through the drive-through.

When she opened her mouth to speak I braced myself for a spluttered streak of inappropriatness. "She's so stupid. How could she forget. Next time I'm getting a million" perhaps.

Instead, her features still resembling someone who had been tricked into sucking a tart lemon she fumed, "That was NOT fair to fair. She should be ASHAMED of herself. NEXT time I'm getting two"

Physically, I tried not to burst out laughing. Mentally, I gave myself a 'job well done' parenting pat on the back.

I mean, for one so clearly 'wronged' she followed the well taught and preached format: (1)identify the issue, (2)say how you feel about it, and (3) think how you can solve the problem in the future.

Oh my Bear, may you never be crossed by the sticker gods again.

Show and Tell: Applesauce and Ambulances

BEAR

We picked two bushels of apples. I truly wish I had that picture to show you. The girls, high on the shoulders of a man that is not their father. This, in-and-of-itself, is a fact of significance.

But what strikes me as even more amazing is that Bear, a child infamous for liking the idea of something then realizing that the experience is far less entising than the picture she formed in her head, stuck with us, for the whole process of making applesauce.

It got hard, but she hung in, taking delight in the apron wrapped around her tiny waist and the pen she sported because, "it's what mom used to do for work and I like doing things just with you."

COMEDIAN

Preschools have a curriculum that includes educating our littles about Community Helpers. Usually this includes the firemen in full gear, demonstrating how they keep us safe even while they keep their own bodies protected from the fire. It is also meant to calm the kids who think they look 'a bit scary'.

Today, the firemen visited Comedian's school along with an ambulance squad.

Same concept. Different community helpers.

When I picked her up she presented me not with a representative coloring book, or a "I'm a friend of a firefighter" sticker, but an official looking paper.

"Ah, you need to sign this" her teacher said, a sheepish smile playing on her face. "Comedian fell when she was on the ambulance and got quite a scrape. She's fine. She was so brave, but we need you to sign that we recorded the incident."

The irony was not lost on me. Even so, my smirk became a full out laugh when I saw the line that asked, "Was an ambulance called for this injury?".

Ah - no, seeing as she was already on the ambulance when the 'injury occured'. Leave it to my little Comedian.

So, there you have it: Applesauce and Ambulances.

What are you showing and telling today?

Show and Tell - Teaching Tolerance (UPDATED with A Vocabulary Lesson)

THIS MORNING I WOKE TO A COMMENT THAT STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS:
BARBARA WROTE: "Beautiful lesson, your lovely girls are going to grow up into such nice people.But Cara, I take exception to the word "tolerance"! You're teaching acceptance, much more comfortable to live with than tolerance!"

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT - AND, INTERESTINGLY - THAT'S THE MEANING I THOUGHT I HAD CONVEYED. CLEARLY, WE ACCEPT THESE LOVELY LADIES AND THEIR CHOICES.

MY RESPONSE TO HER READ: "You know Barbara - you are exactly right...and until I read your comment I didn't realize that it read differently. See what I mean? Long standing gifts from the generations die hard, even with word choice!"

SO AS YOU READ PLEASE KNOW, MY LINGUISTIC CHOICES ASIDE, WE ARE TEACHING ACCEPTANCE.

***

I write often enough about parenting after loss, a difficult and emotional task to be sure.

But what I haven't written much about is parenting in the 21st century. The melting pot that is this great United States of America gives us ample opportunity to teach our children the fundamentals of humankind: love, respect, personal choice, and tolerance just to name a few.

The biases of the previous generations are hitting a roadblock with us, the 'new age' parents, who embrace the opportunity to impart the building blocks of life: self respect, reverence for others, and emotional freedom.

I am not a politician, in fact the mere idea of politics in it's basest form wigs me out more than picking half hatched nits out of my children's gorgeous hair. I am, however, conviced that if we don't model these lifestrageties for our children, along with basic truths like you choose your experience, it is what it is, and exist in this moment, that the cyclical nature of old intolerances will remain embedded, indeed encouraged to a degree, to the upcoming generation we are molding.

Those of you that read here regularly know I live in Vermont. You may also know the recently passed law from my home state. We went to a wedding this weekend. This is the conversation I had with Bear the day before.

Me) Bear, remember earlier this summer we went to a wedding?

B) Yes, it was beautiful.

Me) It sure was. What did you like best about that wedding?

B) The colors. (It was a cross -cultural experience of Christian and Tibetan descents)

Me) I like the colors too. Why do you think they got married?

B) Because they love each other.

Me) Yes, they do love each other very much. So what do you think marriage is all about?

B) Loving, and celebrating, and spirit. Putting the spirit together and celebrating your love -- like you and daddy.

Me) Absolutely Bear. You are exactly right. When two people feel like their hearts talk to each other, that kind of love, they want to be together forever -- so they get married. And, at that wedding it was a man and a woman.

B) Yes, the princess was so pretty!

Me) And, sometimes a woman and a woman get married.

B) Are they from a different country?

Me) No. They are from the United States, in fact - they live in Vermont, like you.

B) Does that mean sometimes a man and a man get married too?

Me) Yes. That's exactly what it means, if they have that special forever kind of love.

B) Who's getting married tomorrow?

These two lovely ladies held one of the first legal ceremonies in the State of Vermont, and I consider our family lucky to have been there to witness, then celebrate their love.

And their amazing cake!

And their 'off the hook' first dance. It's Apparently it's all the current rage and worth a click over!

What are you showing and telling this week?

Show and Tell: At Least They Don't Have Wings

That's what my pastor said about the lice Comedian came home with, "At least God gave them a weakness or we'd ALL have them!"

Currently, you would be hard pressed to convice me why he created them at all... I mean, they don't really serve a purpose except to cause a known-to-be patient mother to choose to pull out her OWN hair in frustration that she has to force her child to endure yet another sitting of 'just checking'! Even so, she does look pretty damn cute, no?

In case you need a reminder of her 'former do', check the sidebar!! And, spare me a little golf clap as I did it myself. Well, if you count putting it in a ponytail and cutting, then attempting to shape a little so it didn't look so uneven.

Oh, we were canning corn today.

After the tomatoes of last week...

And Jer went crazy on the green beans, turnips, carrots and who knows what else the weekend I was away.

That's my life right now. Work, preserving, and nit picking!

What are you showing and telling?

Show and Tell - The Art of the Quickie

Um...no - don't go there. This is a parenting after loss blog after all!

But my DSL connection is reallllllly slow tonight and so, here goes a quickie S and T of the GIRL's weekend...(updated to say that my connection died last night so a morning post it is!)

Bear's Bag

Comedian's bag

Two really excited girls to go to two really fun sleepovers for the weekend!!! Yeah - no mommy and daddy for 48 whole hours!! (seriously - they didn't even say a real goodbye to us, just ran an played with their friends!)
They made bears at their Nana and Papa's house. Must.Show.Off

Bear named hers "EmmaBear" - my heart melted.

Comedian passed out. The aftereffects of a really FUN weekend!

So, that's that for my driveby show and tell...what is everyone else showing?